, , , ,

He’s got this pattern. He’s had it for as long as they’ve known each other, but she just didn’t notice it at first.

He’s someone who says that he could easily live all by himself his whole life, that he wouldn’ t mind just being on his own, with his thoughts, his things, and maybe his dog. Oddly enough, she noticed fairly late after their first encounter, he could also behave as quite a needy child. And from this stems his strange pattern.

When they first met, he dove head first in the relationship. She could see him getting more and more involved with each date, but she was weary and cautious – at these early stages, relationships are so fragile that basically anything can break them before they’ve even had the chance to develop into anything. He managed to overcome every obstacle however. He showed patience and was becoming deeply attached to her.

It was at this point that she let her guard down and forgot that nothing can be taken for granted, not even feelings – especially not feelings! She was entirely his, her affections were directed only towards him. He, on the other hand, was starting to feel trapped, even though it had been himself who had asked for all this attention in the first place.

He bolted. He crushed her. But had a way of keeping her close. He knew she was the one who would be there for him, would forgive him, would believe in him when nobody else did, not even himself.

He returned when she least expected it and he promissed the earth and the sky to her. He was determined to make her understand how deeply he felt about her and the link they shared. And in doing so, he managed to scare himself. He ran away and promised to break all ties with her, as that was the only way that he could move on.

Both their lives continued without the other in them anymore. She missed the boy she used to know and love. He missed her too, he needed her to give him direction, so he broke the promise he had made to himself and to her so many months before. But he was still terrified. He knew he could not cut her off from his life completely, but he could not overcome his fear for long enough to acknowledge and understand that they shared a connection which he would never experience again. He ran in the night.

She knew he would come back. All the odds were against it, but she didn’t doubt it for a second. By now, she could recognize his pattern. She hated it and she knew it was what broke her so many times, but she was becoming immune to it by now. Soon enough, he would come back, mess things up again, but she would not hurt anymore. Each time, he had broken her, she had become stronger, she had learnt something new about herself.

He returned and he tried to atone, only to fall back into his old pattern soon after.

This time it was her who said goodbye. Not again! When you demand affection and it’s given to you in such an absolute manner, how can you react by running away the moment you are asked to simply reciprocate with a fraction of what is given to you? It’s the selfish behaviour of a capricious child who thinks he deserves anything that he asks for.

She was certain he would return into her life, but this time she was determined to break his destructive pattern. All the love in the world could not make her just look past the selfishness. The one she loved is somewhere in there still, but he’s lost himself in the fear. Not until he’s grown up and grown out of his fear would he be allowed to come close to her soul again. Not until he’s realized how serious the consequences of his actions can be would she speak to him kindly again.