It’s reached a critical mass – the point of no return when everything will either implode on itself and end up in a messy, bloody, painful heap of nothing; or it will explode in a blinding big bang which will destroy the unnecessary lies and hurtful words and debris of the past and will result in an act of creation – a new sun will rise with it’s warm light.
In response to Shurubici’s tag [and surprisingly related to the current post], I must admit something about my first day of school – it was a wondrous day for me because it created a precedent – from that day forward, autumn would forever be tied to the back to school feeling. Even now, when my school days are farther and farther behind me, I can say that the back to school feeling returns every year, as sure as the seasons change from summer to autumn. For as long as I’ve been a pupil and then a college student, autumn has been a time for new beginnings, as the start of another school year held promises of new kinds of interaction with knowledge and with people, of development of the self and of transformation of relationships. The season of the changing leaves still holds a reminiscence of this direction my soul used to take each year – it’s a season meant for re-evaluation and rethinking of principles and attitudes, of letting go or of starting over.
The inevitability of some decisions is heart-rending. Some words cannot be unspoken. And some looks cannot be taken back. You reach crossroads in your existence when looking back is just like touching an open wound and at the same time looking forward is like trying to distinguish the road through a thick, black fog.
For those of you who think they know what’s triggered this post, let me reassure you – you’re not even close. It’s not one event in particular, it’s a combination of waves and wind gusts hitting me and knocking me over. It’s an assortment of completely unexpected changes of direction my life is taking not because I want to, but because all other options are not really options at this point in time.
I’d like to be the kind of person who just allows her life to twist and turn according to the whims of the irony-loving universe. But I’m not. My happiness is my own and my most precious possession, at the same instance so eager to share it with others. But when it’s threatened so viciously, I won’t sit back and accept the blows. I’ll make those heart-wrenching decisions. So right now, it’s all a matter of letting it implode or being the catalyst for the explosion.