Again and again, I’m faced with this gnawing feeling, one I’m used to experiencing by now, but by far not keen on it. It’s that ultimately I’m the one I should rely on, not anybody else, that even in the happiest of circumstances, I am the sole responsible for my well being and happiness. My life is mine and only my own, so except for those fluke instances that everybody’s had happen to them at least once, I can blame no-one for situations gone awry and attitudes unreciprocated.
I don’t think I’m an easy person to interact with and definitely not easy to share an existence with. More than once, I’ve had people confess to me I’m intimidating, although that’s certainly not the message I meant to send out, especially as a first impression. But when I slice and dice it, I realize it’s probably one of those shields we all fashion for ourselves to use against true or fathomed threats. Our histories are to blame, those cuts and bruises that still hurt and still bleed from time to time if we make a move too sudden.
Saying that I’m complex would be a blunt understatement, especially for those who’ve already had the chance to know me. I’m a woman and a Gemini (for those of you who believe in these things), so the fact that I change my mind often and that I have conflicting tastes should come as no surprise to anyone.
My wardrobe consists of mostly classic, structured pieces, yet my outfits will always have something out of the ordinary to them. You probably won’t be able to put your finger on what exactly that is, but it’s going to be unique. My tastes in movies range from the girly, romanticized ones, to atmosphere, indie pieces, to the raw, slightly disturbing flicks (just watch Maps to the Stars or Teeth, you’ll understand what I mean), to mind blowing sci-fi’s (Interstellar anyone? or how about Day Watch?).
I have days when all I want to do is stay in and lie in bed under the warm covers, binge on TV shows and movies and forget there’s a world beyond the door of my apartment. Some others, I’m so energized by the weather that all I’d wish for is long walks to take in the way the air smells, the way the leaves ruffle or the warmth of the sun on my skin. We don’t even have to say a word, the sensations triggered by the world around would be enough.
I might become so engrossed in a book I’m reading that I won’t be able to put it down for hours, but you might just as well find me equally fascinated by a video game.
I’m the one who’ll understand you and want to help you out as much as I can (that damned Jesus complex!), but I’ve also reached a point in my life when I’ll make my needs and wishes heard. I’ll forgive so much – I’m actually still shocked by the way I’ve pushed my limits in this respect in the past decade – and then I’ll forgive some more. But keep pushing and one day you might be surprised to learn I’ll have no more of it.
I’m deeply emotional and highly rational at the same time and if you refuse to believe such a thing is possible, then you clearly have never met me. I’ll over analyze a decision and turn it on all of its sides hundreds of times, but ultimately my gut instinct has been my best friend more than a few times. I’ve never been a supporter of keeping your feelings locked away – why would I? I have nothing to be ashamed of. My hurt and my happiness are not something I regret. My love is something I’m proud of, and no, I won’t turn it into a cheesy spectacle on social media, but it’s definitely something I won’t hide.
For those of you who’ve had the patience to reach the end of this post, I’m sure you’re pretty confused as to what this is all about. In a nutshell, it’s a re-affirmation of who I am – a small speck of existence in this endless universe (or is it a multiverse now?), one that’s thoroughly complex in its smallness, at times infuriating, but one that wishes to leave a mark on your existence that you’ll remember and appreciate.