For a while, my social media presence was negative to say the least and downright depressing if we’re being honest all the way. I was once jokingly told that I should stop being so upset about everything and anything. I also realize now that I was causing concern in a lot of the people around me, which is something I feel I should apologize for, while at the same time saying ‘thank you’. The intention of my words was far from that, but at the same time it made me happy (or just a little bit less sad at the time) that people I wouldn’t have imagined cared about my wellbeing enough to reach out.
The moment thankfully passed and I came out better for it. The cynical phase couldn’t have lasted forever – haven’t you met me? I’m that person, (one of) the last of her kind, the idealist who can’t let go of the habit to hope and to believe in the moment’s potential. And while this state of being isn’t without its perils, it’s not something I can run away from for long. I’ve tried, but it catches up with me every single time. So I’ve just given up on trying to outrun it and embraced it as who I am at my core.
Mindfulness is a word I’ve been using often lately, but not something I’ve yet completely understood or grasped. Then, out of the blue comes the right question from someone who doesn’t even know me that well, and my answer sums up what it’s supposed to be better than I was able to after months spent thinking about it and trying to enact it.
Q: “When were you happiest in your life?”
A: “Right now.”
Simple. Brilliantly simple. I was unaware of it until the moment the words left my mouth. It’s in this moment that I’m happiest, giving myself a real chance at joy from things small and large alike, surrounded by people who’ve stuck with me through the worst and have continued to remind me they care even when I wasn’t very kind to myself, and most of all still daring to believe in the good in people.
I’ll stumble along the way, of that I’m sure. I’ll curse through my teeth when struck by disappointment anew. I’ll swear off being open and showing vulnerability when hurt again. I’ll doubt my words, their brightness, color and strength when criticism will touch some raw spot still in need of healing. I’ll have my low moments and be infinitely sad, while some will tell me nothing is worth feeling the cuts so deeply.
This is all fine, even the hurt, disappointment and sadness. What’s more important it knowing it’s temporary and that there’s much more warmth around us than we can fathom. So I say let’s allow ourselves to feel it all, both the lows and the highs, without fear, and remember that time is long.