being present, breathing, childhood, friends like family, hopelessness, life lessons, meditation, nostalgia, presence, problem, respite, silence, solution, state of mind, stillness, stuck, summer, summer vacation, thoughts
Mind is hardly ever still. Heart is hardly ever unmoved. Even in silence, the undercurrents shift the being, mold it into shapes anew, send it into territories of uncertainty and excitement in equal measure.
A weekend filled with deep silence, surrounded by forest and sunshine and the kind of people one would write gratefulness journal entries every damn day. I made my body sit still, took a breath and stopped trying to control the river of thoughts. Even while meditation practices say it’s counterproductive to force the path, the realization in the moment is nonetheless surprising.
The last time I was in this state of mind was probably when I was 11 or 12, in my grandmother’s back yard at the late end of summer – sun high in the cloudless sky, mountain in the background, crickets making their music in anticipation of a winter that would reduce the dance of life to the bare minimum. If I tried to name it, it would be the state of presence – the heat of the sun’s rays in the moment, the faint breeze flowing from the mountain’s peak, the ruffling of the leaves saying goodbye to the heat of August, the smell of warm skin.
A respite. A full body breath. Not running away, but not running towards. Simply sitting with.
When the problem is that there is no problem, hopelessness becomes almost tangible, like weight tied to your legs making walking seem like trudging through wet sand. A problem I can find a solution for, something broken I can fix, a road that leads to a dead end I can make U-turn on. This, though, has me stuck.